There’s this exact void in me that no longer wants to be filled, that no matter how hard my closest and loved ones do, they will never fill up the empty space.

The reason isn’t about them not being enough; your fingers should be pointed on my direction. People around me have been more than any of help, they have been there since day one; and surely, they will be here on my darkest of days.

But here’s the thing:~ I also have my downtime. I am not happy for always, I can’t be. I, too, get overwhelmed, at times. I even feel like drowning on most nights. There are also days when I get too carried away by happiness that I become so excited, then it makes me so drained and exhausted. And on those instances, I tend to run on that vacant seat, on that nulled premise of my life, and settle myself on darkness, and just get a share of the break that I badly need.

It isn’t a paradise in here. It isn’t, hell as well, It is just a room for me to breathe in. It’s a place for self isolation; an expanse where I go just to figure out what’s happening again inside my head.

Sometimes, a pair of arms isn’t what I need; but rather a safe distance away from everything; a step back from reality.

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

The voices in my head tell different tales. Sometimes they tell me I’m the whole universe, that I’m all about stars and magic and power and glory. And sometimes, I’m reminded of my nothingness, my insignificance, my existence as a tiny speck of dust in this big, wide universe.

It’s insane, I tell you. There’s this constant tug of war inside my head and I don’t know on whose side am I. My hopes pull hard, my insecurities pull harder. I’m struck in the middle, it’s like the rope is tied around my neck and it smothers me, this whole ‘which side to take’ process. Balance is a word long forgotten, quiet is a forbidden fruit. Perhaps I will never know if I’m made of stars or of all that’s dead. But what i do know is the fact that I will get through every storm, that things will get better eventually, that pain is only transient.

Or maybe not. Hell, the tug of war just began!

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

1- So what happens when you finally realize you don’t have to please everyone all the time? When you accept yourself like you should have done all along?

2-What happens when the pain isn’t so bad that you can feel other things too? Good things.

3- When does it feel okay to drink without feeling a weight on your chest? What does it feel like to drink when you’re happy?

4-When will you start smiling again? No, not the kind of smile you have on right now. The real, happy one. The one that reaches your eyes.

5- Is being acknowledged by society really that important? Maybe it is. Otherwise half the world wouldn’t go around trying to look good for others.

6- Why is it so hard to let go of people? They scar you in ways you never thought of. You’re vulnerable because you trusted someone only to have them walk out on you.

7- When can I feel like I’m a part of this world? When will this feeling of solitude go away?

So many questions.

• A survivor of the idiocracy•

There is so much uncertainty in the tides of life. But I have no clue,life awaited me this huge tsunami. I do not know in which phase and state of life I am in, what I am going through or where the horizon of reality and whole existence of my life is.
Yet days passes by contemplating the each and every minute details of life trying to figure out what exactly has happened and is happening.

Engulfed in the utter darkness of melancholia, different kinds of fear circulate in my veins. Even the slightest change in the accent and behavior of loved ones feels catastrophic. Either my inability to help them at the times of need or their inability for the same towards me,both shakes me to the core. All of sudden eruption of that irrational fear of death of loved ones keeps replaying the scenes of destruction and death in mind,making me feel much more miserable.

With each passing day, I find myself sinking more deeper into the depths of despair.

All around I can only sense fear,fear of almost everything. People, place, things,light, I have started fearing everything.

Yet,

One day,I’ll live
A life, I have envisaged
Making my way out of the blues,
I’ll shine through every Storm’s hues
Embracing the atrociousness of time,
Garnering my scattered shreds of shattered dreams,
One day I’ll ascend above all the melancholia
Rising above the gnawing hollowness,
With the compassion in me,
One day I’ll transfigure into the real me
Away from the intoxicating illusions,
An enlightened soul reaching at the top of humanity.

I Dare To Dream