The heartbreaking piece of a conversation

Her: And why do you want your future with me, exactly? There are a lot of girls besides me.

Me: Why do I want my future to be with you? Because I loved you from the first sight, I know you are a caring person, honest, truthful, beautiful and intelligent, that you need to be loved accordingly :)/

Yes there might be a lot of girls, and surely they are , but you are different, in your own way, you personalities and behaviors, your reasoning and senses, and I know that deep down in your heart you really wish to be loved for who you are, you wish to be cared for, you wish to be loved unconditionally both secretly and publicly, all humans are given the portion of love./

Her:😲🤦‍♀️ Loneliness is better for me and it is better for my family to be confident in me. I do not think about these things. I want to stay alone and I am so happy.

I’m not good at this– I don’t care about anyone, no one cares about me. The reason I lose people is because I do not care, nor do I call, or talk to them, I am always like this in my self.

Me: Don’t feel alone anymore, for me it doesn’t matter whether you care or not, just know that today you have David who will live to accept you the way you are, and will live to care for you /

Life have stages, and you just haven’t met the one you will always care about, the one you will always worry about his situation, what he eats, what he drinks, how he feels, how healthy he is./

Her: loneliness is beautiful for me

David, I don’t want you to cling to me too much because I’m not very good at caring about anyone, and one day I will disappear ☹️

I will not stay with you forever

“I hope you find a girl who is better than me and is good at this”

Me: Don’t worry I’m good to understand loneliness and misery because they have been my best friends, to understand life, one must endure misery and loneliness./

“We shall all disappear, perhaps I disappear first”/

Her: I bear this loneliness and I think this is better for me. I do not want to be associated

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

Humanity

Starring at the grew skies, as the clouds moves firmly attached to each other.

Starring at Date trees as they standstill, bouncing and talking to each other who in other words are being separated by fate.

Starring at the unappreciated street lights, as they hang there so lonely on the poles

Starring at passersby as they un attentively drives through the tarmac road, as if it was another planet within another planet.

Holding my undesired cup of tea while so lonely and a pity to the passersby.

For once I tried to think, I was trying to think what really life could be, skies above the earth, humans so superior to each other, cruelty and wickedness everywhere, the nature of life and death, destinies and lucks, the desires to live and the desires to die.

Indeed another live is taken while another is given it.

Starring at the far away stars as they shine brightly, stranded in my own thoughts of imagination, my hallucinations lifting me higher above the ground.

Befuddled in the complex of my own existence, as one born of mortal.

For once I tried to think, I was thinking why man of all creatures desired the best in life,

Why man of all creatures sounds superior to his fellow man,

Why man of all creatures is locked in his own thoughts

Why man of all creature is incapable to find kindness as the greatest Wisdom of all time

Why has man made the world not a better place to inhabit

Why man has buried humanity under his seat, that it is not found when needed,

In thinking of humanity being hidden under my seat, there I have given it a stand, trying to wander around, wandering for humanity.

Woe to the day that humanity was hidden,

Woe to the seat that accepted to hide humanity

Woe to every heart that is cruel and unaffable.

Indeed I can see days coming where humanity will be discovered, I see the day where the seat will vomit humanity, I see the day where humanity is born again

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

No one should be condmened for their feelings

Your loneliness was hidden behind your independence.

you thought you always needed to be strong though you were on the brink of giving it all up. Your dissimilarity from the crowd stood out, but little did you know, you were just like the ordinary people residing in this planet.

you also wanted your fears to be seen despite their invisibility from the naked eyes, your suppressed emotions to be heard in between your silences, your actions to be fully understood why you acted that way, when it all started.

and where you were coming from. your soul to be saved from your own misery.

You pushed people away, because the closest ones jaded your trust and broke your heart, all the love that was once stored within spilled out, nothing was left inside of you.

never never witnessed your own weakness, until that night you had your worst nightmare. You wanted those you loved to escape, and free themself from your cursed life.

Don’t worry, and that won’t happen anymore. For you will find someone who will be there beside you. I know You are used to being on the dark on your own and that one true person won’t offer you their light if you don’t want it.

but that one true person will stay, they won’t runaway. They will sit there with you, side by side, until you say, “Now you are okay”.

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

Your true self lies in you and only you knows who truly you are.

To the girl who constantly searched for her truer self, the girl who has 212 followers on twitter, a little more friends on Facebook, the girl who hated the existence of instagram, to the girl whose horror trikes like a thunderstorm while talking of her self.

To the girl who always found it difficult to start a conversation, the girl who was always befuddled while in the middle of congestive souls, and yet she grew up from the most populated city, a city where all humans are constantly busy, a city no one was shy, a city with all sorts of stuff, a city with over 210+M marvelous creatures.

To the girl who always thought she was boring and hardly started a conversation, a girl who was always lost in her own thought and found it difficult to know herself and figure out her existence out of millions.

To the girl who thinks her existence means nothing so would her death, with her perspicacious mind befuddling her own existence, yet the strong embraces their shadow while the weak denies its existence. Some Parts of who you are have been locked away and hidden within your unconsciousness.

I tell you today that the luminiferous aether with its vastness and by giving space, Sun by giving light and energy. Wind by giving vital breath, Water by being nectarine giving life and satisfaction, Earth by giving grains and upholding all to all fructify their existence.

I tell you today that stop trying to find who you are or trying to change inorder to be accepted. because if you are not interested in Yourself, life becomes more uninteresting that you wouldn’t be able to endure it.

Stop being a pity to the passersby in your own thoughts and imaginations, stop thinking that you are not fit in this human race , your existence matters, you will be loved for who you are, you will be featured to lead for who you are, your existence is a blessing to others, it’s the reason others live today , though you are yet to meet that one person, just know that:
If our existence is for the welfare of others, it is meaningful.
And Instead of thinking about that which you want to do think about who you want to be.
Do you want to be more self-aware?
Do you want to be more conscious?
Do you want to be a better person?
Do you want to be difference in the world?

Know today that you are A god, your brain consists of all magic and has the power to change everything, people, thoughts, and life, stop trying to please everyone or to be liked by everybody because the nature of life hinders us even from liking everybody.

Know today that you are the most beautiful girl of all time but in your own form,those enticing smiles belongs to you and not anyone else, those alluring self of yours that you thinks is a boring self is the most valued in the world.

Know that your existence is a total superstition, what you believes in is your true self, no matter how hard you try the world will always see the negatives in you and no one is perfect in escaping that reality.

Ever thought of the moon as it shines with the existence of the sun? But they are always great enemy, when the sun says goodbye it’s always a pleasing moment for the moon to say a new Hello and for this reason they are always a sworn enemy, so does life and all the homo-sepiens that exists next to you, some will be there to ruin your life and make it miserable and some will be there who always will have to finght for your smiles.

“When life is put into a total misery it becomes the worst thing to ever happen to man and yet it’s the most beautiful thing to ever happen to man”

You are not alone today as each of us share the same longing to be truly known and truly loved, to discover and know our truer self.

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

We are no longer strangers

Dear Está,

We first met at a time when texting had efficiently replaced calls, real-life interactions were scarcely looked forward to, and the only approachable way to start a conversation was social media. I texted you first and everything else magically fitted in, like every inch of it was meant to be.

Ah, I still remember that two-hour-long debate I had in my mind when I first wanted to tag you in one of the memes, and the anxiety that followed because I had absolutely no idea how you would react to a stranger tagging you in a random post.

You and I are exactly 18 hours and 45 minutes apart which makes my desire to meet you once understandable. For once, I would really want to have a good look at your face and not your filter-applied photographs; I want to know how you move, how your eyes wander around a place, how you panic. I want to touch you. Know what you feel like. Look at you smile, look at you weep. Look at you blush, look at you annoyed. I really wish I could do all that.

And, while my brain knows that you are just two states away, my heart constantly argues that this physical distance between us is equivalent to distance between the two poles, as most of the time I find myself waiting for your replies.

While the emotional fool in me fantasies to have a warm hug instead of those calming words of yours, which inculcated a sense of being in me, the realist in me quietly saves all my pocket money for making that one trip to an unknown land which nests someone so close.

Of all the Internet strangers, I am glad that you were destined to be mine. You taught me many things, from Islamic laws, law of nature to philosophical agendas of life, and my favourite one being that people will come and go, but you were here to stay.

You are my emotional support, the only one I trust enough to fall back on, and share all my uncanny secrets. Without you, I am a wreck of flawed dreams and forced smiles.

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

I just hope and hoping is all I can do now ☺️

I was trying to sleep but for some reasons, I couldn’t stop thinking about the people who go to sleep feeling lonely, about the girl who sits alone during lunch and sighs at the extra sandwich her mother made for her “friends”. I can’t stop thinking about people who are waiting to be discovered and heard including myself and just..you know? Acknowledged? This world can be cruel at times. I often fail to understand how it works. I know we are all supposed to play with the cards that are dealt to us but it’s unfair. I don’t think so anyone deserves to go to bed feeling worthless. Nobody deserves to think that they are boring or insignificant. It breaks my heart to know that there are people who feel that way. A whole lot of them. And I don’t really believe in god but if there’s something up there that looks after each one of us, i hope that force makes some changes in how this world works. I hope the guy who has 653 friends on Facebook, 53 followers on twitter finds at least one person he can talk to. I hope the girl who loves to chat but doesn’t really have friends because of some shitty rumour finds someone she can talk about her crush to. I hope the old lady who waits for her son’s call finally wakes up to him coming all the way home to surprise her. I hope the middle-aged man who quit his job to pursue his talent finds people who believe in him. I hope people are okay. I hope, irrespective of where they are, what they do, who they are with, i hope with all my heart that people are loved and accepted and celebrated. I hope no story goes untold. Hope. I guess hoping is all i can do right now. And i think that’s enough to pass this night.

The bed that doesn’t make you sleepy isn’t worth it 🙂

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

I think I will never be at home until I finds that one place that will make me feel at home ☺️

When you have been a traveler for a long time, you are scared of anything and everything that can put you and your adventures in a cage. And, I travel from places to people and from people to other places, and no matter where I go, I feel like I will never be at home until I find that one place that will make me feel so. Everyone says that when you are too full of something, you must leave it because then, it will make you unsteady like a glass of water filled to its brim—you cannot drink it without spilling it everywhere. But honestly, I think I will never overflow. I think I will never be shaky because, no matter how much I see, how many places I go, how many strangers I make friends with, there is always a little space left for a new adventure. And I have felt so wild, unchained and free for the longest time that right now, I am afraid of anything and everything that can put me and my adventures in a cage.

Once on the mountain Top riding my horse

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

The world became so quite, because it had lost a good soul 😭😭😭

And on that day the heavens took you away from me, the clouds weren’t able to contain the sadness it has been holding for the longest time; it rained like there’s no tomorrow. Even the stars on the night sky weren’t seen, they didn’t have the energy to shine brightly, for they have known that you were gone; they grieved and decided to turn off their lights to send their deepest condolences down to the ground where I was laying still. The world became so quiet, because it had lost a good soul. Time slowed down to give way to my mourning; it became aware that I wasn’t ready yet to let go of our times together..it cannot go on halt just because of me, but it slacked off to offer its sympathy.

As for me, I didn’t know what to do, I lost my will to continue. Our love songs didn’t sound the same anymore.

It’s not pleasing on my ears, it made my eyes filled with tears. I couldn’t face what’s ahead, I wanted to go back to the past, stay there, and be with you again.

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

Maybe sunsets aren’t beautiful.

There are promises and hollow apologies that I cannot make up for, and yet, I want to make up for all the things that I did to ruin you because even if I couldn’t love you right, I never intended to do you wrong. My Mother told me to love out of the warmth and I, I loved you out of the loneliness that I couldn’t deal with. You knew all of it and yet, you gave me a chance and I took you for granted because you knew me and yet, accepted me for all that I was. I never realised that you accepted me because you wanted me to feel accepted. I never realised that you loved me, so that I could forget about my loneliness, so that I realise that there are beautiful things in my life, and the most beautiful amongst them is the love, the love that you were pouring on me from the depth of your heart. And when I understood, you were long gone. I always told you that endings can be beautiful, and you told me that most times they were not. You pointed your finger towards the sky and said,

“Maybe sunsets aren’t beautiful.
Maybe, they only appear to be
beautiful because there’s a hope of sunrise, David

Maybe, endings are only beautiful
because they are a promise
of a new beginning”,

and I sat there and looked at you while you held my hand tightly. I wanted to say a lot of things, but you decided to leave the next day, and I sat there and remembered how much you had healed all my heartaches, and how little I had done for you. You were in pain, and I was the reason. My heart felt like it had loved you from the start, it just didn’t know about it. I spent my days writing apology letters and love poems that I never sent. But you were distant, darling. How could I tell you that I love you? You told me that maybe, endings are also beautiful because they give you all the time to heal, maybe they are also beautiful because you can begin again the next day. And I realized you had moved on, and nothing can be done to bring you back. I sat there on the balcony, looking at our photographs and crying like a fool.

And I looked at the sun fading away,
falling into the night and
I realized that

maybe endings
weren’t beautiful at all.

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

I’m tired

I am not strong. I have not been honest about that and people keep on forgetting how deeply fragile emotions are, even my own. Whenever I am on the verge of breaking down, I am always reminded that I do not have the right to show this vulnerability especially to those who anchored to me for support. I learned to let these tears stream in the dark where nobody else can see them. But people always forget that I am not that strong, I also needed shoulders to cry on and be comfortingly wrapped around someone’s arms I have a habit of letting people go when they want to. No questions. No explanations. Because chances are, they aren’t meant to really stay in my life that long, just on a drop by to somewhere else. So I let them linger for a while, for as long as they want to and when they decided to go I will let them.
I am sad. I’ve come to the conclusion that happiness granted for me have always been short-term and that they’ll always be just that.
I am not everyone’s cup of tea. Nor everyone is mine. Not always have been the first choice in a lot of things nor becoming second. Sometimes, I’m not even a choice.
I am not easy to be with. I am always hesitant to be close to people knowing that most of them are just temporary. So I keep myself most of the time, holding my guards up just to prevent myself from getting torn apart.
I am a mess. More than an abstract of Pollock’s hanged up in the right corner of the wall. I am a room full of discared and misfit things scattered on the floor trying to find places in that small shelf of the room.
I am tired. I know how the world will keep on spinning even if I rest and honestly, I just can’t keep up most of the time. Not just to the world, to people and their expectations. I feel like I’m swimming on a murky water where it’s hard to breathe and all I can do is drown.
I am lost, a lot. We were always told that if we want to get something, we have to really work hard and go through a lot to have it because in that way, we will be able to appreciate it more when we receive it which makes us be more protective of it.
I am forgetful. I forget myself!
I am the things that I still don’t know. I’m trying to understand a lot too with me, with people. If they are meant to be what they are in my life and if they wanted to be a part of But I am also other things too that which you have to find out if you want to know me too.

•A survivor of the idiocracy•