There are promises and hollow apologies that I cannot make up for, and yet, I want to make up for all the things that I did to ruin you because even if I couldn’t love you right, I never intended to do you wrong. My Mother told me to love out of the warmth and I, I loved you out of the loneliness that I couldn’t deal with. You knew all of it and yet, you gave me a chance and I took you for granted because you knew me and yet, accepted me for all that I was. I never realised that you accepted me because you wanted me to feel accepted. I never realised that you loved me, so that I could forget about my loneliness, so that I realise that there are beautiful things in my life, and the most beautiful amongst them is the love, the love that you were pouring on me from the depth of your heart. And when I understood, you were long gone. I always told you that endings can be beautiful, and you told me that most times they were not. You pointed your finger towards the sky and said,

“Maybe sunsets aren’t beautiful.
Maybe, they only appear to be
beautiful because there’s a hope of sunrise, David

Maybe, endings are only beautiful
because they are a promise
of a new beginning”,

and I sat there and looked at you while you held my hand tightly. I wanted to say a lot of things, but you decided to leave the next day, and I sat there and remembered how much you had healed all my heartaches, and how little I had done for you. You were in pain, and I was the reason. My heart felt like it had loved you from the start, it just didn’t know about it. I spent my days writing apology letters and love poems that I never sent. But you were distant, darling. How could I tell you that I love you? You told me that maybe, endings are also beautiful because they give you all the time to heal, maybe they are also beautiful because you can begin again the next day. And I realized you had moved on, and nothing can be done to bring you back. I sat there on the balcony, looking at our photographs and crying like a fool.

And I looked at the sun fading away,
falling into the night and
I realized that

maybe endings
weren’t beautiful at all.

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

• I am not strong. I have not been honest about that and people keep on forgetting how deeply fragile emotions are, even my own. Whenever I am on the verge of breaking down, I am always reminded that I do not have the right to show this vulnerability especially to those who anchored to me for support. I learned to let these tears stream in the dark where nobody else can see them. But people always forget that I am not that strong, I also needed shoulders to cry on and be comfortingly wrapped around someone’s arms I have a habit of letting people go when they want to. No questions. No explanations. Because chances are, they aren’t meant to really stay in my life that long, just on a drop by to somewhere else. So I let them linger for a while, for as long as they want to and when they decided to go I will let them.
• I am sad. I’ve come to the conclusion that happiness granted for me have always been short-term and that they’ll always be just that.
• I am not everyone’s cup of tea. Nor everyone is mine. Not always have been the first choice in a lot of things nor becoming second. Sometimes, I’m not even a choice.
• I am not easy to be with. I am always hesitant to be close to people knowing that most of them are just temporary. So I keep myself most of the time, holding my guards up just to prevent myself from getting torn apart.
• I am a mess. More than an abstract of Pollock’s hanged up in the right corner of the wall. I am a room full of discared and misfit things scattered on the floor trying to find places in that small shelf of the room.
• I am tired. I know how the world will keep on spinning even if I rest and honestly, I just can’t keep up most of the time. Not just to the world, to people and their expectations. I feel like I’m swimming on a murky water where it’s hard to breathe and all I can do is drown.
• I am lost, a lot. We were always told that if we want to get something, we have to really work hard and go through a lot to have it because in that way, we will be able to appreciate it more when we receive it which makes us be more protective of it.
• I am forgetful. I forget myself!
• I am the things that I still don’t know. I’m trying to understand a lot too with me, with people. If they are meant to be what they are in my life and if they wanted to be a part of But I am also other things too that which you have to find out if you want to know me too.

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

There’s this exact void in me that no longer wants to be filled, that no matter how hard my closest and loved ones do, they will never fill up the empty space.

The reason isn’t about them not being enough; your fingers should be pointed on my direction. People around me have been more than any of help, they have been there since day one; and surely, they will be here on my darkest of days.

But here’s the thing:~ I also have my downtime. I am not happy for always, I can’t be. I, too, get overwhelmed, at times. I even feel like drowning on most nights. There are also days when I get too carried away by happiness that I become so excited, then it makes me so drained and exhausted. And on those instances, I tend to run on that vacant seat, on that nulled premise of my life, and settle myself on darkness, and just get a share of the break that I badly need.

It isn’t a paradise in here. It isn’t, hell as well, It is just a room for me to breathe in. It’s a place for self isolation; an expanse where I go just to figure out what’s happening again inside my head.

Sometimes, a pair of arms isn’t what I need; but rather a safe distance away from everything; a step back from reality.

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

The voices in my head tell different tales. Sometimes they tell me I’m the whole universe, that I’m all about stars and magic and power and glory. And sometimes, I’m reminded of my nothingness, my insignificance, my existence as a tiny speck of dust in this big, wide universe.

It’s insane, I tell you. There’s this constant tug of war inside my head and I don’t know on whose side am I. My hopes pull hard, my insecurities pull harder. I’m struck in the middle, it’s like the rope is tied around my neck and it smothers me, this whole ‘which side to take’ process. Balance is a word long forgotten, quiet is a forbidden fruit. Perhaps I will never know if I’m made of stars or of all that’s dead. But what i do know is the fact that I will get through every storm, that things will get better eventually, that pain is only transient.

Or maybe not. Hell, the tug of war just began!

•A survivor of the idiocracy•

1- So what happens when you finally realize you don’t have to please everyone all the time? When you accept yourself like you should have done all along?

2-What happens when the pain isn’t so bad that you can feel other things too? Good things.

3- When does it feel okay to drink without feeling a weight on your chest? What does it feel like to drink when you’re happy?

4-When will you start smiling again? No, not the kind of smile you have on right now. The real, happy one. The one that reaches your eyes.

5- Is being acknowledged by society really that important? Maybe it is. Otherwise half the world wouldn’t go around trying to look good for others.

6- Why is it so hard to let go of people? They scar you in ways you never thought of. You’re vulnerable because you trusted someone only to have them walk out on you.

7- When can I feel like I’m a part of this world? When will this feeling of solitude go away?

So many questions.

• A survivor of the idiocracy•

There is so much uncertainty in the tides of life. But I have no clue,life awaited me this huge tsunami. I do not know in which phase and state of life I am in, what I am going through or where the horizon of reality and whole existence of my life is.
Yet days passes by contemplating the each and every minute details of life trying to figure out what exactly has happened and is happening.

Engulfed in the utter darkness of melancholia, different kinds of fear circulate in my veins. Even the slightest change in the accent and behavior of loved ones feels catastrophic. Either my inability to help them at the times of need or their inability for the same towards me,both shakes me to the core. All of sudden eruption of that irrational fear of death of loved ones keeps replaying the scenes of destruction and death in mind,making me feel much more miserable.

With each passing day, I find myself sinking more deeper into the depths of despair.

All around I can only sense fear,fear of almost everything. People, place, things,light, I have started fearing everything.

Yet,

One day,I’ll live
A life, I have envisaged
Making my way out of the blues,
I’ll shine through every Storm’s hues
Embracing the atrociousness of time,
Garnering my scattered shreds of shattered dreams,
One day I’ll ascend above all the melancholia
Rising above the gnawing hollowness,
With the compassion in me,
One day I’ll transfigure into the real me
Away from the intoxicating illusions,
An enlightened soul reaching at the top of humanity.

I Dare To Dream